"I am dreamy, contradictory, quirky, and sometimes grouchy."

It takes a moment to say hello, but forever to say goodbye.

I’ve been trying to say goodbye for a while now, with little or no luck of success. The horizon fades away in the distance leaving only the plains - desolate and empty. That’s exactly how I feel. I just can’t let her go.

Funnily enough, I can’t say that I’ve ever had her either. I feel like a badly wound guitar, tuneless and flaccid. She’s the one playing the tune, but it just sounds so wrong.

She’s happily involved with someone, and it’s obvious that I should let her remain that way. But I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t not hope that she’d call or text. My mind reels every single time I hear her voice. Even the way she says hello has a certain effect on my psyche.

“Don’t you have a lot of work?” I asked in one of our more recent conversations.

“Work can wait.” Was her reply.

Oh how sweet your words can be. Subtle, engaging and deceptive. How I’d give anything to grab you from afar and give you a wallop of a kiss then and there.

But I can’t.

“Cause I’m taken.” She said, two weeks earlier. “Why does this have to happen whenever I’m taken?”

I know you are. And you have no idea how taken I am by you. How I can’t stop relating everything to you. I forced myself to stop thinking of you..and for a while it worked. I moved on.

“I was listening to Luther Vandross…and thought of you.” She said in a text message, a week ago, ruining my attempts at moving on in one single swipe.

I don’t need music to remind me of you. You’re everywhere and nowhere all at once to me. I can’t even drive to Alexis without thinking of you. Ironically, I was never a frequenter of Alexis. It’s only recently that I became one.

Oh how intoxicating you can be sometimes.

“Can we just not talk about him? What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Let’s just go out, you and me.”

How right you are, my dear. But what I know can hurt all of us. I can’t do this. I can’t be a third wheel in your macabre rendition of Cruel Intentions, simply because I’m no Sebastian Valmont, and we’re far from being some upstart glamorous New Yorkers. We’re Malaysians. I have principles, and I believe that by falling for someone who has, as you so eloquently put it, already been taken is a already a folly too far. To continue this deception is just unscrupulous. It shakes the very foundation of my morals.

And with that, I must move on and not turn back even if it means sacrificing the very friendship that you’re trying so hard to save. Are we even friends? How can we be if our intentions weren’t friendly to begin with?

It’s definitely not easy to live a lie, but it’s almost impossible if you’re denying that you are.

I know I’m at fault for falling in love with a person that I’ll never have. But you fall in love with your heart, not your head.

I’m at fault for deliberating my actions, but I’ll stand firmly on my beliefs that you really can’t choose who you fall for.

You fall head first, and make a loud a bang as possible as you crash land yourself to the bottom.

I never fight battles which i can't win yet i kept on trying to win this one. I've lost. And I'll be a man, and not destroy something I helped build.

And I’m saying goodbye, right here…right now.

I'll leave with a quote from you:

"I am dreamy, contradictory, quirky, and sometimes grouchy.""

Dust

How do you tell yourself that certain dreams should remain just that? That you should leave it in the realm of the unreachable as far away from the disdained reality that afflicts us all? You don't.

The dream i'm talking about, is the dream of a 6 year old crush. Whilst the duration didn't exactly total six years, everytime we stumbled upon one another my heart stopped. Thank god I only saw her once every few years, or I'd have a whole lot less to say these days. I thought that if ever, i had seen her again, I could finally burst the bubble which i've been lugging around with me all this while.

Last night I saw her again. In some divine, macabre way I had a feeling that I was going to bump into her. I tried to get another table, but the place was shelved with people. It's either a table next to her, or no table at all. She was with her friends and I wasn't going to make a scene by going up to her and introducing myself. I haven't talked to her since I was 18 and she could clearly pretend as though she had never met me, ever before.

So there I was, sitting for two whole hours doing absolutely fuck all. I thought I was over this silly boyhood crush. I wasn't. I was clearly smitten by the girl. It's funny, cause I don't know why. When they got up to leave, all i could do was mouth her name. Nothing came out, not even a whisper.

I don't even know what I was so afraid of. The fear of rejection, the fear of losing what I never had, the fear of the Polo shirt... I honestly don't know.

I guess it was never meant to be, but it's something we have no control over and that is..destiny.

"Will you give me the time of day, a chance is all i ask from you, to take this pain away from me, fly me cause I'm ready." - downsyn3.

Movements in Still Life